Barbie Jo's Bunkhouse: Suburban Barbie goes to the county fair

I have two words: Culture Shock

Yup, that's exactly what happened. and I'm old enough to know better! You see, I'm a country girl at heart. Born and raised in a small town, typical teen running free with her friends having good clean fun! Yeah, I knew there were weirdo's about and "stranger danger" was alive, just not in MY town. The bad-boys got caught for drinking & driving all over the football field and the bad-girls....well, they were the smoking in the bathroom types who stole other people's boyfriends (for the most part). Me and my crew, we just knew how to have a good time no matter where we were. I guess I kept a blind eye to the reality going on around me.

Not so much anymore.

And I can honestly say, I'm making sure my Darling Diva has her eyes wide open! Actually she and I are very much on he same page when it comes to what is inappropriate, odd, and down right freaky. She has a very good head on her shoulders. And I'll throw it out there - I am the first to admit...I'm a snob. That's right. Somewhere between my hometown and marriage, I became Suburbanized. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate where I come from. I loved my childhood and I would go back in a heartbeat if I could. But it also gives me an appreciation for where I am and all that I have now. I count my blessing every day.

Our venture to the county fair (which is on the outskirts of the city, NOT out in the country)started with me and 6 kids (each of my own brought a friend) catching a shuttle bus a.k.a. centro bus on county fair duty)from our regional farmer's market (yes, a farmer's market but it's actually closer to the city, go figure?). As we waited in line there was a sign stating prices per person - children, adults, seniors. Now mind you, I had stopped at the bank and taken money from the ATM. The bus finally comes and we start to board but there is a machine that I have to slip the money into (dollar bills only!!!). So I look at the bus driver lady and hold up my $20 bill and ask "will this give me change?" to which she responds quite rudely "No." My jaw drops slightly and I say, "Really, I can't get--" and she cuts me off with a firm, "No." I'm still in disbelief at this point, and try again. "But all I--", "No." was my response but with attitude (which as you can imagine totally set me off). I whip around and point to the bus doors "Off the bus, kids!" We file off the bus with the whole line of bi-standers staring as I say quite loudly, "We are from suburbia and this is WHY we do NOT take public transportation!" Boys and friends are hysterical, while Diva is completely mortified. And me? Well, I continue my rant clear across the parking lot and explain the the kids the importance of getting a college education so you don't have to be a nasty bus driver who won't give change! And then I proceeded to speed out of the parking lot, cursing even the poor minimum wage making flag people directing traffic!

and it only gets better. The boys went off in their group while I kept the girls with me and took them around to ride til their hearts content. While they innocently rode rides, screaming with delight over the thrills and speed and spins...I surveyed the crowd keeping my protective eye out for anyone suspicious who I might need to discreetly "take out". The mother in me noted the creepers, the tramps, the pretty little nice girls who should come dressed the way they were, the fun dads getting some quality time with their kids, and the young boys having fun and the ones you just knew once the sun went down would be getting into mischief. Now the writer in me? Oh, she was taking count of each of those characters in a different light. I saw things which should have made me go blind (seriously), but instead the writer's eye has captured these images for use as a character traight for some unlikely soul in a future book. MmmHmmm, I'm going there.

These are the top ten things I learned while attending the county fair:

1.) Big girls should NOT wear skinny jeans or spandex.

2.) Boys should NOT try to "sag" their skinny jeans.

3.) If you have to put your toddler on a leash, then maybe they shouldn't be there.

4.) If you can't pull your jeans up, at least make sure your shirt covers what your jeans don't. The world doesn't need to see all THAT...either coming or going.

5.) Women over the age of 50 should NOT have a fake tan, wear crop-tops and bellybutton jewelry. (no, I'm not kidding!)

6.) If a man has more hair on his back than on his head, he needs to stay out of the animal buildings, you're scaring the small children buster!

7.) Women over the age of 50 should not have a ponytail down to their butt and wear a cami tanktop with NO BRA!!!! (and if this is someone's grandma..PLEASE form an intervention, I'm begging you.)

And this is why Suburban Barbie should only handle the county fair in small doses once a year.