Monday, September 19, 2011

Liz's Lair: Analogies Gone Bad!

I am a confessed analogy freak. I love reading them, but I really love making up my own. I used to be the queen of clichés, but my agent hollered at me so much, I switched to analogies. Now she just shakes her head when she reads my stuff. She tried her damndest, but she couldn't tame me. In my defense, my editor likes most of the ones I use and even comments with LOL in the bubbles on track changes.

I have to admit I go out of my way to avoid clichés because let's face it, it's one day at a time for me as I mentioned. But seriously, I just don't understand what all the fuss is about. If I said I was three sheets to the wind, you'd know I was a tad tipsy. Slept like a log, lying like a rug, drop-dead gorgeous, sweating like a pig, ants in his pants, ace in a hole, barking up the wrong tree – – oy vey – – you get the point, but honestly, I couldn't have painted you a more vivid picture. In each of those cases, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

So I decided to go back over my own manuscript to show you a few of the analogies that tickled my agent/editor/or just me.

He was dark and brooding, as if he'd just been told his pony finished fourth.

Her stomach growled like a mother bear protecting her cubs.

She whirled around, expecting her little bubble of excitement to burst like a piñata at a birthday party with eight-year-old boys on a sugar high.

He would've gone down faster than the Titanic if the younger man had suddenly gone Rambo on her.

When the man turned to face her and flashed his pearly whites, Jordan's heart began to beat like a drummer on speed.

That's not gonna happen my dear. I've seen you drive. You’re like Jeff Gordon on a Red Bull high.

You have to admit analogies give you a pretty good picture without using an adverb. I Googled bad analogies and found the list that supposedly came from high school kids who were asked to write an analogy. Here are my picks for the funniest.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

When she spoke he thought he heard bells, as if she were garbage truck backing up.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

And my favorite: Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

So that's what I did all day yesterday—read analogies on the Internet and cracked up. I'd really love to hear some of your analogies from your own work. I'll ask my blog mates to pick a winner from one lucky commenter who will win a free download of MORTAL DECEPTION if I ever get it on Amazon. (It’s coming. I promise.)


Kari Lee Townsend said...

LOL oh my, those were funny!

I'm too tired and not enough coffee to come up with some of my own. Can't wait to see what others come up with, though.

Where do you find the funny images you post on your blogs? Google images? Just curious.

Liz Lipperman said...

Don't you love those. I can't wait to see what everyone else comes ups with. Hopefully, I'm not the only one who uses made-up ones.

I Google clip art "fill in the blank" (fire hydrant, sneeze, etc.) and make sure they are royalty free.

Donna Caubarreaux said...

Good grief, there is no way I can compete!

Funny as anything though.

You should have given us a cliche and have us change it.

Donnell said...

Oh, good heavens... like hair glistening after a sneeze....oooooh, Liz Oy Vey. Are you Italian now ;) Just love this blog, and can't wait to read Mortal Deception, already reading the ARC of LIVER LET DIE and loving it like a teenager dropped at the mall :) Okay... it's early and no coffee! Well done, GF.

Lindsay said...

Right Liz. You keep promising Mortal Deception is going to be on Amazon like I promise myself I'll plot my next story.

Liz Lipperman said...

Okay, Donna, here's are a couple of ciches for you to work on--and everyone else.

She cried like a baby.

She awoke at the crack of dawn.

He took off like a bat out of hell.

Go get 'em, ladies...and Lindsay.

Liz Lipperman said...

So, where's your good ones, Donnell? I am so excited that you are reading LLD and can't wait to hear what you think. MD will be out this week, and for the entire month of October, you can download it for $.99. That's like buying a candy bar--without the sex scenes!!

Liz Lipperman said...

I swear, Lindsay, this is the week!!!

Now, where are your analogies?

Lindsay said...

Yeah, you swear like a Marine Drill Instructor

Cynthia D'Alba said...

How about...he pissed like a racehorse. (hee hee)

Had a head like a cue ball

Have to think more. Brain not engaged yet.

Anita Clenney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liz Lipperman said...

Good one, Lindsay.

And I love your two, Cyndi.

Keep them coming, folks.

Anita Clenney said...

Oops, posted too soon and had to delete. I love analogies, too, Liz, and in glancing at Awaken, I think I may love them too much. Here are a few:

Her heart pounded like hundreds of River Dancers stomping out a beat.

He approached the car like she would Noah’s Ark, running his hands over the hood, smudging her wax job, pressing his nose to the window like a kid who’d crash landed in the North Pole.

He made Romeo look like a girl. Heck, he made Rambo look like a girl.

“That’s how your great-great-grandfather died,” he said, looking like a knight who’d failed to slay his damsel’s dragon.

Her cheek looked like a microdermabrasion treatment gone bad.

The soft thud of dirt on metal was lost to the crash of thunder, and another bolt ripped through the heavens, as if God Himself raged against the desecration taking place below.

His heart thundered in his chest like a racehorse running for the finish line.

Faelan’s blood raged, pumping anger and pain with each surge, like a nail driven inch by inch until it could go no more.

His chest pounded like a cattle stampede.

His look was more alarming than before, as if she were water to his thirst.

He stared at his hand as if it had betrayed him.

He didn’t move like a normal man; he flowed, like water over rocks in a stream.

Faelan went still, staring at her as if she’d asked him when he last had sex.

“Go ask if he needs help,” one of the slack-jawed girls whispered to the other, both staring at him as if he were Attila the Hun.

Faelan still watched her as if she’d swallowed a hand grenade.

Barbie Jo Mahoney said...

These are great! What an awesome post, Liz!! I use them quite a bit too,but of course I'm at work and have no way to find one right now.

Can't wait to see what folks come up with.

Bring 'em on people..the judges are waiting!!!

VICKI BATMAN, a sassy writer of sexy and funny short fiction said...

omg, the nose hair one. I can't say anything else. lolol

Lindsay said...

Try this one-
Liz uses analogies like ------
each one of you fill in the blank with what you want.
For me it's 'like I drink coffee. All the time.'

Liz Lipperman said...

Ooh, those are great, Anita. You must be my secret sister!! too bad, you can't win the free book!!

Liz Lipperman said...

Hurry up and get home and post yours, Barbie. I'm loving this.

Liz Lipperman said...

The nose hair one is my favorite on, too, Vicki. So, where's yours??

Liz Lipperman said...

Lindsay, that should get everyone thinking. I'll start:

Liz uses analogies like Imelda Marcos buys shoes.

Liz uses analogies like Simon Cowell fires out insults.

Liz uses analogies like Jerry Jones makes money.


Lindsay said...

Liz, the first 3 were okay, sell sort of. That last one LAME