Monday, September 10, 2012

Liz’s Lair: It Was A Storm and Darky Night

Okay. Don’t be sending me emails to say I screwed that line up. I did it on purpose to lead into my topic for today, which is the worst first lines ever.

I was browsing one of my loops and found a Publishers’ Weekly blog that announced the winners of a Bad First Line contest. As one who struggles with first lines, I couldn’t wait to read them all to see if I would have qualified. Thank heavens, I can honestly say I probably wouldn’t have.

But OMG, some of them were really funny. Here’s the overall winner:

As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.

Okay, that’s pretty funny, but I thought the third place winner had the best one:

She slinked through my door wearing a dress that looked like it had been painted on … not with good paint, like Behr or Sherwin-Williams, but with that watered-down stuff that bubbles up right away if you don’t prime the surface before you slap it on, and – just like that cheap paint – the dress needed two more coats to cover her.

You can read the article in its entirety here

And y’all know how my mind thinks. I know some of you are really creative out there. I want to hear what you can come up with to beat out these winners. I’ll even send one lucky winner (chosen by my blogmates) one of my books (their choice) or a souvenir from Italy when I go in two weeks.

So, start churning them out. You can post as many as you want. Just be sure to include your email address so I can notify you if you win.

If you're wondering if we were discussing first lines in the picture. The answer would be no. Christine Witthohn and Shelia Redling were  cracking up because my fat arse had just fallen into the cooler. I just thought a picture of people laughing went with the blog and since I am being careful about what photos I use, I decided to use one of my own.

Anyway, take your best shot!


Anita Clenney said...

Geez, that picture brings back good memories, and I loved those first lines. They were hilariously bad. First lines are so important, and it's so hard getting them right. Now I'm trying to think of a bad first line, and I'm even having trouble with that.

Pauline Frisone said...

It was a storm and darky night, no thats not it, he was Storm, a dark knight, yum, much better...yes, a dark knight rescuing me, me, a damsel in distress all because "he" , not "HE, the dark knight, but "he" had to come home early from work and ruin the perfect dark and stormy night with my darkly knight, Storm, so which of course with "him" it became a storm and darky night. Damn!

Pauline Frisone said...
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Liz Lipperman said...

Good one, Paula. And unless I get more stabs at it, you are in line for a free book. Yay!

Pauline Frisone said...

Yeah that was pretty pathetic...I thought there would be more one liners to enjoy...if not, yah for me. Sadly, " he" was just inspiration and reality at the moment, wish I had Storm, the dark knight to rescue me from " him". ;0

Pauline Frisone said...

Darn, I was hoping for some horrible opening lines to a good book. I know there are people out there itching to write...anything could be better or worse than mine depending on the horrible one liner bit.

Liz Lipperman said...

Paula, their loss is your gain!!! So, pick what you'd like me to send you--LIVER LET DIE, BEEF STOLEN-OFF, a download of MORTAL DECEPTION or a souvenir from Italy.

And congrats.

Pauline Frisone said...

Well I'm married to an Italian, but the closet we get to Italy is Ragu. I would love something from Italy. Even though I can't find mortal either one would work. Love your writing...can't wait for next book! Have fun in Italy.

Liz Lipperman said...

Pauline, I can definitely get you s souvenir from Italy. And Mortal Deception is coming out in print soon, but right now it's only available as a kindle download. (You do realize this one is not a cozy and has sex and language?? It's written as Lizbeth Lipperman.)

Thanks for the nice words. Did you know that the book I'm working on now revolves around the Italian Festival and has lots of Italian recipes in the back?

I'll need your snail mail address.

Pauline Frisone said...

Great...some Italian recipes other than Ragu! Can't wait. Snail mail is 4047 W 5900 S, SLC, UT 84118. Yes, I realize the book isn't "cozy" I'm up to the challenge ;o. I Just enjoy your writing all the same. Have a great trip.