Liz’s Lair: It Was A Storm and Darky Night

Okay. Don’t be sending me emails to say I screwed that line up. I did it on purpose to lead into my topic for today, which is the worst first lines ever.

I was browsing one of my loops and found a Publishers’ Weekly blog that announced the winners of a Bad First Line contest. As one who struggles with first lines, I couldn’t wait to read them all to see if I would have qualified. Thank heavens, I can honestly say I probably wouldn’t have.

But OMG, some of them were really funny. Here’s the overall winner:

As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.

Okay, that’s pretty funny, but I thought the third place winner had the best one:

She slinked through my door wearing a dress that looked like it had been painted on … not with good paint, like Behr or Sherwin-Williams, but with that watered-down stuff that bubbles up right away if you don’t prime the surface before you slap it on, and – just like that cheap paint – the dress needed two more coats to cover her.

You can read the article in its entirety here

And y’all know how my mind thinks. I know some of you are really creative out there. I want to hear what you can come up with to beat out these winners. I’ll even send one lucky winner (chosen by my blogmates) one of my books (their choice) or a souvenir from Italy when I go in two weeks.

So, start churning them out. You can post as many as you want. Just be sure to include your email address so I can notify you if you win.

If you're wondering if we were discussing first lines in the picture. The answer would be no. Christine Witthohn and Shelia Redling were  cracking up because my fat arse had just fallen into the cooler. I just thought a picture of people laughing went with the blog and since I am being careful about what photos I use, I decided to use one of my own.

Anyway, take your best shot!